Ceremonies & Gift-Giving

A marriage is something you hope happens only once, so you choose musubi-kiri (結び切り), a knot that cannot be untied, or its variant awaji-musubi (あわじ結び). Chō-musubi (蝶結び), also called hana-musubi (花結び), can be retied again and again, so it is for happy events that may repeat; black-and-white mizuhiki is for funerals. Cash for a celebration goes into an envelope that carries mizuhiki.

Chō-musubi (蝶結び) can be tied again any number of times, so it is used for happy events that may gladly repeat, such as a birth or the start of school. A wedding, recovery from illness and funerals are all things you would rather not have repeat, so musubi-kiri (結び切り) is chosen for them.

Noshi (のし) is the slim decoration at the top right of a wrapping paper or cash-gift envelope; it was originally dried abalone beaten thin. Because it means "fresh food is added", it is not attached when the gift itself is fresh food, nor at funerals. Mizuhiki (水引) is the cord tied around the envelope or wrapper and is a different thing altogether.

Noshi is the mark of adding fresh food, so it is not doubled up when the gift itself is fresh food. Sōmen noodles, a book token and a foliage plant are not fresh food, so use kake-gami with the mizuhiki and noshi that fit the occasion. Because noshi is a mark of celebration, it is not used for funerals either.

The omote-gaki (表書き), the wording that names the occasion, goes centred above the mizuhiki, and the giver's name centred below it, written a little smaller than the omote-gaki. The amount is usually written on the front of the inner envelope in kanji numerals, with address and name on its back. Without a name, no one can tell who the gift is from.

For a celebration you gather new notes to show that the gift was prepared in advance, and insert them so the portrait faces the front of the inner envelope with the portrait at the top. Creasing notes is the custom for funerals, showing that they were gathered in haste, so for a celebration it is the reverse.

For go-hōmei (御芳名), you strike out go-hō (御芳), which is the honorific referring to yourself, and leave mei (名), writing your own name below it. Striking out mei as well erases the field itself. Deleting the go and circling shusseki, changing kō to sama, and adding a word of congratulation are all standard practice.

In vertical writing the right-hand position is the senior one, so names are usually arranged from the right in order of rank or age. If there are many people, write hoka ichidō (外一同, "and others") to the left of the representative's name and list everyone on the inner wrapper or a separate sheet. Do not overlap names so that they become unreadable.

A fukusa (袱紗) carries the envelope without damaging it and lets you take it out and present it formally, which is the courtesy it expresses. Warm colours are used for celebrations, cool colours for funerals, and purple is said to work for both. At the reception desk you take the envelope out of the fukusa and hand it over with both hands, turned so it faces the recipient. The mizuhiki and noshi are not removed.

For a wedding gift, kotobuki (寿), o-iwai (御祝) or go-kekkon o-iwai (御結婚御祝) are usual, and there is also the form iwai go-kekkon (祝御結婚), used to avoid a four-character wording. Go-reizen (御霊前) and go-butsuzen (御仏前) are funeral wordings and are never used for celebrations. O-tamagushi-ryō (御玉串料) refers to an offering to a Shinto shrine and does appear at celebrations such as a Shinto wedding ceremony, but it is not used as the wording on cash given to the couple as a wedding gift.

For Shinto rites, o-tamagushi-ryō (御玉串料) and o-sakaki-ryō (御榊料) are widely used. Go-kōden (御香典) is the Buddhist wording and o-hana-ryō (御花料) the Christian one. Kotobuki (寿) belongs to celebrations and is never used at a funeral. If you do not know the religious form, the safe course is to ask the family or the funeral company.

For Christian rites, o-hana-ryō (御花料) is widely used. O-tamagushi-ryō (御玉串料) is Shinto and go-kōryō (御香料) Buddhist, while o-iwai (御祝) belongs to celebrations. At a Christian service you also avoid Buddhist vocabulary such as go-meifuku (ご冥福), kuyō (供養) and jōbutsu (成仏).

Jōdo Shinshū (浄土真宗) teaches that the deceased becomes a buddha immediately, so go-butsuzen (御仏前) is commonly said to be used even at the wake and the funeral. Other schools may use go-reizen (御霊前). O-tamagushi-ryō (御玉串料) and go-shinzen (御神前) are Shinto wordings and o-hana-ryō (御花料) Christian. If you do not know the school, use a wording such as go-kōden (御香典) or check first.

Juzu (数珠) are Buddhist ritual implements, so they are not carried at Shinto or Christian funerals. Lending and borrowing is generally avoided, and they are not something you take to a celebration. Their form differs by school, though there are simplified ones usable regardless of school.

Repeating words such as kasane-gasane (重ね重ね), tabitabi (たびたび), kaesu-gaesu (返す返す) and masumasu (ますます) suggest that misfortune will repeat, so they are avoided as imi-kotoba (忌み言葉), taboo words. O-kuyami mōshiagemasu, go-shūshō-sama and o-chikara-otoshi are all set condolence phrases.

The opposite of the new notes used for celebrations: at a funeral, new notes are avoided so as not to suggest that you had prepared for the death in advance. If new notes are all you have, put a crease in them first. The amount is written on the inner envelope, and the mizuhiki is not untied. Details can vary by region.

A chōden (弔電) may be read out during the ceremony, so work backwards from a time that makes it, and address it to the chief mourner at the funeral hall. If you do not know who the chief mourner is, add go-izoku-sama (ご遺族様, "to the bereaved family") to the name of the deceased. Give company name, department and your name as sender, and keep repeating words and religiously mismatched vocabulary out of the text.

Because a wake has the character of hurrying to be there, ordinary clothes such as a subdued-coloured suit are said to be acceptable, while formal mourning dress is the basis for the funeral service. In either case avoid shiny accessories and showy colours. Where your company or the local area has its own custom, follow that.

O-chūgen (お中元) and o-seibo (お歳暮) are seasonal greetings repeated every year, so chō-musubi (蝶結び), which can be retied any number of times, is used. Musubi-kiri is for things you hope happen only once, and black-and-white mizuhiki is for funerals. The wording is go-chūgen (御中元) or go-seibo (御歳暮).

After the new year and up to the end of matsu-no-uchi (松の内) the wording is go-nenga (御年賀); once matsu-no-uchi has passed, kanchū o-mimai (寒中御見舞). Go-seibo (御歳暮) is for a gift sent before the year ends, and shochū o-mimai (暑中御見舞) is for the summer. The dates of these seasonal boundaries vary by region, so when in doubt follow the custom of the recipient's area.